Because not everyone deserves a Kodak moment.

Let’s face it: holiday cards are just social media dressed up in tinsel—everyone’s pretending their life is perfect when the reality is… less shiny. That’s where Merry Photoshopmas comes in. I’ll take your family photos and turn them into whatever story you want to sell this year—whether it’s throwing shade, stirring the pot, or flexing on your in-laws.

With three categories of chaos, you’re guaranteed to send out cards that people will actually talk about:

Tidings of Comfort and Lies

"Because honesty never made a Christmas card memorable."

The "Holiday Flex"

Oh, you know that one family—you see their Instagram post every year. Matching sweaters, fake smiles, and some overpriced ski trip in Aspen like they’re the freakin’ Kardashians of the cul-de-sac. Yeah, screw those people. You know the only reason they’re posting that is to distract you from the dumpster fire at home: marriage counseling, maxed-out credit cards, and at least one kid who’s already a “problem” at school.

So why not one-up them? Photoshop your family onto a private island with a yacht in the background. Caption it: “Quick getaway after buying our third vacation home!” Let ‘em stew over their hot cocoa while their toddler eats a glue stick.

The "Selective Memory" Option

Got a teenager in their “I hate everyone” phase or a husband who looks like he’s in a hostage situation? Fix ‘em up! Photoshop some smiles, change that goth eyeliner to, I dunno, any other color, and bam—your holiday card says, “We’re totally normal!” even if you’re not.

The "Make It Match" Move

Your kids rolled into family picture day looking like a thrift store exploded—pajamas, turtlenecks, a cape? No problem. Fix it digitally so it looks like you had control for once. Congratulations, you’ve officially won one parenting battle this year.

The “We’re All Winning” Card

Oh, we’re editing everyone. Mom’s losing 10 pounds, Dad’s getting his hair back, and the kids? 30% cuter, minimum. By the end, this card screams, “We’re perfect, and you’re not!” Merry Christmas, suckers.

The "Reunion Reality Check"

One side: the chaos of your actual family photo—crying kids, crooked Santa hats, Dad blinking like a strobe light. Other side: the Photoshop masterpiece you paid a stranger to fix. Caption: “Who knew editing could save Christmas?” Because lying is easier than trying.

The “Nice Knowing Ya” Card

For that relative who ghosted again. Replace them with an angelic glow, make ‘em semi-transparent, and caption it: “Gone but not forgotten. RIP, Brian. Maybe we’ll see you next Thanksgiving?” Let’s see if guilt trumps their laziness.

The “Wish They Were Here” Guilt Bomb

Take your no-show relatives and slap halos on their heads, like they’ve been canonized for skipping family dinner. No passive-aggression here—this is full-on “call your mother” energy.

Memory Ruiners

"Turning family drama into a passive-aggressive masterpiece."

Bye Bye, Uncle Bob / Delete-a-Relative

Your photos. Your family. Your rules.

You know that one relative who shows up every year just to ruin your mood? Yeah, snip. Gone. Take the photo, cut 'em out like you’re editing a crime scene. Problem solved. It’s called boundaries—try it.

The "We’re Totally Fine" Card

Oh, so your family’s a total disaster this year? No problem, we’ll fix it. Dad’s unemployed but doesn’t want the neighbors to know? Boom, he’s back in a suit, looking like he just closed a deal on Wall Street. The youngest kid knocked someone up and you’re still figuring out how to tell Grandma? Don’t worry, we’ll crop her out faster than you can say, “It’s complicated.”

This is the card that takes your holiday mess, slaps a bow on it, and says, “Look at us, thriving!” Because when life’s falling apart, nothing screams we’re totally fine like a little Photoshop magic.

The “In-Law Redaction”

Erase your in-laws, but leave their shadows, like they’re haunting your life from beyond the grave. It’s the ultimate “You were here, but you’re not welcome anymore” vibe. Merry Christmas, you passive-aggressive ghost.

The "Broken Home" Card

For the kids, because therapy’s expensive. Take Mom and Dad, slap ‘em together in Photoshop, and voila! One big happy fake family. Sure, it’s a lie, but it’s cheaper than explaining divorce to a 7-year-old every holiday season.

The Cards That Are Better Than Your Reality

“Because family photos are better when no one knows the truth.”

The “They Made It After All!”

Oh look, it’s Karen! You know, the one who’s been “coming for Christmas” since 2004 but somehow hasn’t made it yet? Photoshop her in, slap on a sarcastic caption—“So glad Karen finally made it! What a Christmas miracle!”—and enjoy watching her squirm when she gets the card. Spoiler alert: she’ll blame traffic.

The “I’m Totally Fine" Card

Oh, you had a breakup? A divorce? Whatever—who hasn’t? Whip up this card that screams, “Look at me, thriving without that emotional barnacle!” Bonus: send it to your ex just to remind them what they’re missing. Petty? Yeah, but also hilarious.

The "Surprise Baby!"

Sick of your mother-in-law asking when you’re popping out a kid? Bam—Photoshop one in! Call it Photoshop Jr. or Baby Placeholder—doesn’t matter. They’ll stop nagging you for at least a year, or until they figure out the baby disappears by New Year’s.

The "Holiday Mystery Card"

Why not mess with your family for the holidays? Throw some random strangers into the photo—like a guy from Starbucks or someone who helped you move in 2013—and send it out. Sit back and let your relatives spiral trying to figure out who’s who. Bonus points if you don’t answer any texts about it.

The “Where’s Waldo” Edition

Hide a distant cousin—or, heck, your weird neighbor—in the family photo like they’re in the witness protection program. Make it a game: whoever finds them wins… a fruitcake. Because nothing says “prize” like a dense loaf of sadness wrapped in tinfoil.

The "New Partner Prank Card"

For singles ready to stir the pot.

Oh, you wanna blow up Thanksgiving, huh? Perfect. Toss this card out there and introduce your “new partner.” And don’t hold back—make ‘em everything your family prays you’re not bringing home. Like, “Hey Grandma, meet Chris! He’s Black, he’s gay, and he’s got a neck tattoo of Karl Marx.”

Watch the meltdown in real time. Your mom’s gonna need a drink, your dad’s gonna “take a walk,” and Grandma? She’ll call the priest and the HOA. It’s not just a card—it’s entertainment.